Alcinous' Blog about Nothing

I'm back..

2005-10-10T15:14:00.000+02:00

After a while of involentary absence I'm back writing here. I realized I need to ventilate myself. If not to feel better only to do some writting. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm just creating powerpoint bullet points or running around doing unnecary shit. I need to vent my latest follies and worries. I ran thru this and realized it's been a continous scribbeling about women. I won't stop doing that becuase I don't have much else to write about. Work shit I write elsewhere and I ain't got much shit on my mind. I'm that simpleminded...

So what's new? The problem is nothing. The last love left me dry here in BCN. She went back to were she came from and now I'm back searching. I still think about her but it's a lost cause. I don't really feel like writting about my current situation because it depresses me. But in generall I don't feel very good and am generally tired of the life I'm living. It has a boring emptiness to it that annoys me. I need to do something about that. It seems that all I do is go out partying without purpose. I'm constantly with people but feel constantly alone. I know it's paradoxical but it's the feeling. I'll work harder living the moments that gives me meaning. Doing that I need to learn what these are.

I'll do some self-reflection and see if I can find out what these are and what I can do to live these. So until next time.

Magnet for complications...

2005-07-31T20:50:00.000+02:00

I don't know what my problem is. I seem to look for complicated situations. These situations that are bound to lead to heartbreak, expenses, disapointment and all kinds of negative shit. I don't know if that's really complications but the complication is a result. Now I'm falling in love again. I love doing this but there's a limit how hopeless it can look. It's all kinds of barriers that should make me realize the impossibility. She lives far away, she is young and in a phase of life that is the opposite of stability, she is truly an artist in all the senses. But she is a beauty. I'm really lucky, it's been a long time since I was with someone that beautiful and sweet, she is truly precious. I'm going to get my heart broken. That's how life work I guess. It's a continous series of heartbreaks. But I'm not there yet and I won't give up, not as easily like I've done earlier. I'm going to enjoy myself as long as I can.

Disillusion again...

2005-07-17T20:49:00.000+02:00

I'm getting this feeling of disillusion again. It pops up once and while. It shows itself with an apathy and a boredome. I don't know what it means and what it comes from. It might be that it comes of sort of a social burn-out. These usually comes after intense periods with a lot of parties or work. I generally tired and a bit hung-over/drunk and maybe even dehydrated from way to much alcohol and too little water. I need to start taking care of myself. Next weekend I won't party on Saturday and I'll stay home on mon-wed, gonna do some reading... I'm gonna cut down on the discos and the late hours in bars. I need to save money and braincells. Money more than the other shit, I don't care about that. But money shit is an annoying fucking thing to have to worry about. I don't like it at all. I didn't think it would continue to be a headache after I got a job but I guess I was a chump. It's always there. I know I'm stupid and can't really spend moderately. I need to figure out a way to keep down my spending and still go out. It'll have to involve cutting down on drinking. That can only be a good thing. I'll do that. Shit I'm tired, I want a vacation. Sorry for babbling a lot of shit but it's your own fault reading this shit from a dumfuck with no clue.

Getting stinged is part of life

2005-06-14T16:35:00.000+02:00

I agree with the comment that i should just sit back and let things flow. I've done that and the flow stopped. I'm fine with that, moving on instead of playing with bees that only sting and hurt. I'll go back to bumming around and not commiting. I'm cool with that. I enjoy myself talking to everyone and not worring about pushing things too far with some. How it could've become a leash after a couple of months I don't know nor believe in. But anyway, the leash is off and the rabid dog or the cat in heat (which every metaphor is your prefered) is loose...

But getting stinged is actually the way of life. It's full of bees stining you at their first chance. They all play with you and then hurt you. I'm not only talking about relationships but everything: friends, hopes, ideas and all kinds of intangible stuff. The thing is to not be afraid of getting stinged. I'm too dumb to be afraid so I get stinged a lot but also get to do some stinging and enjoying. Taking chances is the best thing there is. I know, there are more or less dumb chances to take. But I've taken a lot of them. If you believe in chance you shouldn't interpret that I believe in luck. I believe in probablilities and calculated risk taking. Luck is for chumps playing the lottery. It usually equalls false hope. Anyway, I was talking about taking chances of getting stinged. I mean, letting yourself to fall in love is always a chance. But it's great, even when it sucks! You grow either way. Now I'm gonna stop babbling about these things, don't put any value to these ramblings. It's only my way to demonstrate my defence mechanisms, i.e. therapy!

Being a fool or a fooling with a bee?

2005-05-31T08:31:00.000+02:00

Ok, I'm back again. Still the same distraught bastard that y'll know. Instead of wondering about whether or not I want to be a bum I'm question my feelings. I'm dating this girl and we've been doing that for a while. I'm treating it exclusivelly and avoid other temptetions. It's been those and I've stayed clear of them as best I could. I've been good. I feel good being with her and want to see more of her. But there's the problem, I'm the one pushing things. When to meet, what to do and all kinds of shit that I feel should be mutual if the feelings are there. That's why I'm unsure how she feels. I know that it could be cultural shit that I don't know how to explain but it's annoying feeling like a love-sick puppy tailing the tail. Fuck, it usually is the other way. I want her to fuckin' take the initiative, and not whilst fucking because that's not the thing. But more in the other shit. Whatev's, I'll keep at it until I get tired and I tell her. Meanwhile I'll enjoy the nice flow and the moment. I'll stop overanalyzing shit I can't find an answer to thinking about, only through talking.

What do you do?

2005-05-22T17:18:00.000+02:00

I donno! I don't have a clue. About what you ask. My question is about women. I'm turning something I haven't been in a long time and I don't know what to do. No, it's not about being sober because I'm not. No, it's being in love. Or at least falling. I don't think I'm in love but I know I'm falling and that's a hard realization. It's been a while since the last time. I fall in love all the time but falling more heavily is a rare thing for me. I usually get bored by the women I'm dating instead. When I've gotten to a closeness it's enough for me. OK, it's about knowing that I probably not will feel more with the woman than I do and knowing that I don't want to be together with someone that I've got lukewarm or less feelings for. I see at as being honest. And I've come to realize I don't really want have sex with them anymore neither. Don't get me wrong, screwing is my favorite thing. I'm just such a moral person that I can't fuck someone I'm not in love with... That might be pushing it but I seriously have some issues with this. It feels good in a way. Anyway, what has made me realize that I have feelings for this woman is that I keep turning down beautiful women because of her. It must mean something. And I keep thinking of her and want to be with her. Fuck, I'm such chump. I'll most likely get burned as I usually do when I start feeling things. I should keep being a bastard and just use them as I done earlier. But I really don't want to do this. All I can do is hope she doesn't screw me over and be as happy as a cynical bastard can be. Thank you for listening to my ramblings, next time I'll write about something more valuable than my emotional issues...

I wanna be a BUM!

2005-05-17T16:29:00.000+02:00

Hi space,

How are things? I was gonna take up my writting after a busy period. I'm still busy but I'm gonna ignore that and write anyways. I'm getting tired of working. I want to become a bum. I want to do like Jules in Pulp Fiction. Stop the assinations and become a wandering bum. It would be less stressfull and probably equally well-paid. The f****g corporation I'm working for now are severely underpaying me, that's why I'm doing this on working hours. Ok, it's also my job to check out technologies like blogs and see how/if they work to share knowledge. Since I don't have a clue if someone is reading this it's hard to know that. But I don't care, I'm doing the blogging-shit elsewhere aswell. Here it's just for therapy. But getting back in being a bum. I'd really like to quit this and just bum around. Then I could write more, screw more, pick another hobby, work out more, and all kinds of shit that I don't have time for now. Ok, there's always time but the things is that work takes too much energy. I rather put that energy on being a bum and serve myself. If I had any kind of talent or creativity I would follow that. Unfourtunatelly I'm born into mediocracy and with no special capabilities. Ok, any reader can realize that I'm good at wasting time but that ain't shit. Maybe I should be gangster instead. Then I could bum around, kill and rob people once and a while and then go back to bumming. But I'm sure the same stress comes from being a gangster. Watching out for the Poolice, competition and all that shit. But we'll see, maybe I should do a career-switch. I'm gonna look into the possibilties. For the moment I'll search for opportunities to bum around at my job and work hard when someone is looking...

Homesick???

2005-04-24T14:57:00.000+02:00

Hello Mysterious Listener out there in Cyberspace! Not that I believe in you I feel a comfort in talking to you. It's far more socially accepted to talk thru writing in Cyberspace than talk to myself, even though it's the same. Ok, I'll stop rambling and will start with what I want to bring up today. This day that is the first in a long time. I've been seriously sick recently and not been able to write. Now you're probably thinking how the hell a sick fucking bastard like be can get any sicker. This was a physical illness that put me down and it indicted me to start thinking about my situation. I got bronchitis and was fucked up in the lungs for some time, it's fucking boring being sick and just stay at home. For sure, if I get some kind of terminal illness that force me to stay in bed I'll swallow my own tongue or eat the silver bullet. I'm going to hell anyways...

What I wanted to bring up is the reflections I had in this moment of boredom and despair. Being sick in a foreign country is a bitch. Dealing with doctors, bureaucracies and shit in a situation where you are down cold with fever, breathing-difficulties and coughing you would prefer something stable and familiar to avoid stress and just recuperate. Anyways, what this forced moment of contemplation brought me was a couple of epiphanies, but not in the religious sense. The epiphanies came about my situation and what I want. Sort of a prophecy about my future. This prophecy is that this fuckin country is killing me. I'm drinking too much, I'm working too much in relation to what I receive for my troubles, I'm stressing about money too much, I'm dying socially and my general health seem to be deterioating. Let it be that I'm working for future payoffs, it's not that much drinking, socially I'm meeting a lot of new friends and I'm working out a lot, at least in periods. But every month increasing debts and not being able to pay them off and really missing my friends and family back home is slowly getting to my nerves and questioning my decision of staying in this country and keep working here. I don't even know if I want to work with this in the future. Sure, it's good experiences and shit but is it worth it?

The epiphany wasn't these things. All these things have been in my mind a long time processing. Instead I realized that I need a change in a couple of months. I feel like that quitting this job and moving back to Sweden for a while might be what I need. I'm thinking of working hard until the end of June and at this moment do a real review of my options. I will not stay on this contract for much longer than to around August. If at this review don't have any real perception when the contract can be improved I'll heavily focus on searching for new work. I'll at any rate stay until August and at the end of August either have a new contract here or move and then most likely to Sweden. I can take a couple of months with living badly and maybe take some shit job a while just to come home and recourse myself. Then I can stay home for some months and then head out again to some country. However, I can't really say that this will happen because I'm really flaky when it comes to these things. Also, it's getting a new job is a must before I leave this place and that might be problematic. We'll see and only the CyberGods now how the future looks like. But I am homesick!

Religion, Science and Morality?

2005-04-02T15:42:00.000+02:00

Following the last hours of the Pope I've begun to think about Religion and God. When the extension of God is dying you could see it as a sign. That the notion of God is old and weak and on its way to death. I'm a very secular person. I might not be able to call myself atheist because I have a belief in something, but not in any God but in the innate imagination of Man. Our apparent need to rationalize things we create Gods, whether it's a Buddah, a Allah, a Christian or Jewish God, a Pope or a couple of Gods with different responsibilities. We need answers on all types of questions and when our brain can't grasp a certain complexity we simplify and create a miracle and a God. There is always the struggle between Religion and Science, more or less tiresome becuase Science is occasionally made a Religion and is equally misguiding. Allthough both have the purpose of providing answers it's not fair to compare the answers they have. A religious answer is purely a imagination from Man's belief whereas a scientific answer is a deduction/induction from thinking using a logic. The similarity is just that the two are results of thoughts and imaginations and the different is in which logic you are appling: Belief or Rationality?

In Science you have the systematic rationalisation when it's tried to validate truths out there; in physics, biology, chemistry, economics, or whatever. The problem is that our minds are too limited to grasp and create some answers of the extremelly complex questions asked by Science. That's why Science always evolves and theories become redefined. But in this constant struggle to rationalize the truths or find the answers to enigmatic questions you have the purpose of Science. People find the comfort in these answers that come from Science and this is exactly in the same way as people find comfort in the answers by a Religion, that's why they are bundled so close together.

Religion however is purely based on belief system of some sort. It is a unique logic that has a similiar type of laws created in Science. The difference in the logic is in that Religion has it's logic based on wishfull thinking and Science in the rationalization. I'm not saying one logic is better than the other but personally I prefer to aviod wishfull thinking since it feels too simplistic. If we are to evolve into beings that has the thinking capacity that can answer all our complex questions we need to have agile minds. A mind based on wishfull thinking is not a very agile mind. This is accentuated by the simplification that exist in Religion. To transmit knowledge and information you need to simplify but if you want to evolve and/or challange ideas you have to accept and tackle the complexitiy that is.

This brings me to the thought-seed I started of with: Religion being a dying notion. I really don't think so. Instead I think is that the Religion has changed face. It's no longer a Pope or a Church or a Rabbi or a Synaguge that is the preachers of answers and working as a pilar in society. I think that religion is being integrated in the notion of morality. The Religion is becoming equaled to morality. Here I think the problems becomes worrisome. For me the morality should be governed by humanity not based on a simplification of extremely complex questions, how I see Religion. By humanity I mean our own ideas of right and wrong and perhaps it might be good to base the morality by a rationalized answer of what is best for mankind. I would prefer some thinking to be the base of our way to treat each other instead of the idea that a hypothetical universal God with simplified answers to everything.

Which Polyhedral Are You?

2005-03-31T15:25:00.000+02:00

Hey!

Which dice are you?

"No use trying to fight it, you're an eight-sided die, a d8. A fine example of simple elegance, the d8 is one of the least appreciated types of dice, and is often neglected. You are known to be quiet and shy, outward traits that conceal viscous sarcasm and mean wit. You are very smart, yet wise enough to hide your intelligence the quicker they found out how smart you are, the sooner they'll put you to work, which is something you can do without. People call you dark and pessimistic, or moody and cynical. You find little point in arguing."

Do the test!

My struggles with semantics...

2005-03-25T13:37:00.000+01:00

Don't bother reading this but it's just that I don't know where I'm going. I don't see any real purpose. I feel disillusioned about what is supposed to be. I understand what people expect of life. I understand what objectives you could have. You could see life as an opportunity to build a family and ensure your name in history through your family. You could strive for success in art, business, athleticism, music or whatever to bring a meaning for your existence. But these are based on that you want to remembered and that the outcomes of your life are to be remembered. I'm not sure this is what I see as any purpose. These outcomes should be side-effects of something else. The outcomes shouldn't become the purpose. Instead it should be some other kind of motivator. And it's in this that I feel disillusionment. Is it HAPPINESS? Is it LUST? Is it LOVE? Is it PLEASURE? Is it FRIENDSHIP? I don't know and I feel this disillusion. I want all these things. And I'm sure they are all interrelated. But what I don't know is how to achieve them. How do you experience love for instance? I'm not sure I experienced it. I think I have but I'm not sure anymore. Pleasure, happiness and lust are all very clear emotions. But what distinguish them all? When you think something is friendship, is it a one-sided feeling? When you think you feel love, couldn't it just be a friendship or even a result of lust? What is the difference between lust and love, between love and friendship, between pleasure and happiness? I know all this is perhaps irrelevant questions. All are positive and all are good. But at some point you need to know how to distinguish them. Especially when making some choices. I feel that all these emotions should be the purpose to work for and that life should be about experiencing this. But when I try to draw up a picture of what I feel is important it all too often becomes a question about not having a clue. For instance the hunt for love. It's everywhere but at the same time totally impossible to visualize. I don't know what love is. This frustrates me. I feel like a fuckin teenager going on like this but it really frustrates me. I know that I care about my closest friends and my family. I feel very strong for them all, it's as close to love is I can see. But when it comes to women I don't know. I've thought that I've felt love. But now I'm not sure anymore. It all feels too hollow. It was all about something else at the time. I think the occasions weren't love. I have an romantic notion of what love is but I've never felt it. I want to meet beauty that I can't stop think about. She should be someone that makes me happy by just being there. Someone that I feel totally comfortable with. Someone that can see when I'm sad and knows how to comfort me. Someone who can accept my deficiencies. Someone that is so hot that I only see her. In reality someone who I think is beautiful, sexy, intelligent, funny, independent, open-minded, caring, attentive, forgiving and all the impossible things. This would be someone to fall in love with, but it feels like a utopia. It feels like a mirage filled up by unobtainable qualities. I don't believe that it can be reached and I haven't been there. All this shit doesn't matter. It's just luxuries that few lucky bastards have the answers to and have felt. I'll continue searching for my love. I'll also try to see the differences between these important emotions. What I wont do is to make the possible outcomes of my life rule the course of it. I'll become even more hedonistic and focus on the now and it's pleasures. If that happens to result in something it does. If it doesn't it doesn't and at least I have experienced some pleasures. I'll have to accept that I don't have a clue on where I'm going.

Bush must really care about Terri Schiavo

2005-03-22T22:05:00.000+01:00

OK, I'm not really sure what I think about the Schiavo-case. If you want to read up on it, check out this or this. What I can do is to intent to put myself in the relatives shoes. You have the husband and in his case I totally support him. If his wife said that she didn't want to be put on tubes, then she shouldn't. In that case it's been 15 years too long time. As for the family I can't really understand them. They have seen their daughter/sister deteriorating for years. Why not let her rest in peace. They should use their God in this moment and release her to her/him/that. So you could say that I would support to pull the plug. I will actually really look into a kind of card/thing/whatever that indicates that I don't want to be sustained if a vegetable. They should send my heart to Cambodia, my lungs to Thailand, my kidneys to where ever and my brain to Harvard to people who really need it or in the last case study what makes a nut tick.
Ok, now I moved into myself. But since it's my therapy-blog I won't give any apologies. What I wanted to come to talk about in the Schiavo-case is the dealings of our warm-hearted buddy, President GWB. You know he actually abruptly stopped his vacations just to go to DC to wake up a Senate on vacation. These hard-working leaders of the free world. Being such a Godly President he felt that it was his turn to do something good for humanity and really use his power. He magically got a bill ready that would enable an appeal to force the life-support of Terri. Even though the Florida Supreme Court, his old buddies, said go-ahead to the husband/legal guardian to stop life-support. I don't want to diminish the fate of Terri, but it's amazing what weird priorities soon to be Mr Bush has.

It's amazing that he ignores a growing poverty in his country, that he ignores the extreme results of his LIBERAL gun policy, that his Evangelistic attitude doesn't seem to help an even more disillusioned United States (maybe they need obligatory prayers EVERYWHERE), that he ignores the environment in such a way that makes you think he doesn't care about his dopey kids and possible grandkids, among them a possible future President George F.U. Bush. Since he is in the habit (almost) now to cut his vacations short he could actually do some work. By the way, it's amazing how such a "important" president can take so much vacations. It seems he is tired of the job and stress, maybe he should resign. But seriously, he should really start working. Start focus on what he can do for this world. Cases like the one about Terri Schiavo happens everyday, it's very important and affects lives. But it's not a thing that the US President should borderline excel his mandate to serve his Christian-right buddies. They should be handled by existing laws, regulations and relatives. He should really start to do god for the world. He should avoid the pillaging of the rain forest, he should really work to stop the polluting that is fucking up our beautifully planet, he should stop the wars he started, he should start giving some of the money that he uses to bomb third-world countries to a even poorer state to the same countries so they really can build a democracy, and maybe he should show his buddy Cheney mercy and pull the plug.

But I don't have any hope, or hope is a rather nasty word. It's too Evangelic for me. I don't really think he will try to do anything of this. He will continue to build a world of War, Poverty, Catastrophes, Power-struggles, and Greed. I wouldn't want anything more than that his God put some Logic, Drive, Rationale or whatever into him that it might give him the urge to focus on good things instead of making his buddies rich and happy. That's just sad...

The Crazy Lazy Fuck that I am...

2005-03-20T19:02:00.000+01:00

I'm such an lazy fuck. I've got a lot of shit I want to do but instead I'm playing with this shit. Before that I wasted a couple of hours of my life by watching a crappy movie, Romeo Must Die with Aliaya (something) and Jet Li. What was even worse was that I'd seen it before. Worse still was that I saw it dubbed to spanish. I'm must really be desperate to kill time. I started thinking about why I did it when I sat down with some work I have to do. What I could've done is to start with this shit earlier and maybe do a good job. Instead I sat down to watch a stinking piece of shit, in fucking spanish. Can you belive that? Whatever my motives it must be out of laziness. I had epiphany about how prone I am to be a lazy bastard. Do I have some kind of concentration disorder or something? At the moment I feel amazed that I've managed accomplished anything. I hope this realization will lead to change. I would need it. Fuck it! I'm going to keep being a lazy fuck. Whilst I'm talking about my favorite subject, myself, I need to confess that I really am an asshole aswell. I don't care about this but I'm starting to get annoyed on myself not being able to say what I feel. That I don't care about someone specific. I should come clear to her that nothing good will come out of our relationship. I can't help being a bastard to her. I don't really feel anything specific about her. She is like any familiar face walking to the train or going to a meeting. I shouldn't have sex with her and then be cold. I should be honest and be clear with her. I'm being a fuckin bastard. I can't believe that she still tries. I wouldn't. I would bail when someone acted like I do. I've had people act this way to me that I didn't have a second thought of cutting of. I'm actually worried that I'll keep this up till something bad/irreversible will happen. I'm lost in what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how I feel. I don't know if I'm totally indifferent to her or just have some friendly feelings for her. What I know is that I don't love her and that I couldn't see myself living with her. Ok, not that I think anyone is reading this. If it is maybe you could tell me to stop being such a bum and straighten shit out right. It's kinda relieving to write out to cyberspace and nobody. I now see how people can be fooled by religion and start praying. They imagine that someone is listening. For me, I don't need this imagination. I just talk to myself, like the crazy lazy fuck that I am.