I'm back..

After a while of involentary absence I'm back writing here. I realized I need to ventilate myself. If not to feel better only to do some writting. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm just creating powerpoint bullet points or running around doing unnecary shit. I need to vent my latest follies and worries. I ran thru this and realized it's been a continous scribbeling about women. I won't stop doing that becuase I don't have much else to write about. Work shit I write elsewhere and I ain't got much shit on my mind. I'm that simpleminded...

So what's new? The problem is nothing. The last love left me dry here in BCN. She went back to were she came from and now I'm back searching. I still think about her but it's a lost cause. I don't really feel like writting about my current situation because it depresses me. But in generall I don't feel very good and am generally tired of the life I'm living. It has a boring emptiness to it that annoys me. I need to do something about that. It seems that all I do is go out partying without purpose. I'm constantly with people but feel constantly alone. I know it's paradoxical but it's the feeling. I'll work harder living the moments that gives me meaning. Doing that I need to learn what these are.

I'll do some self-reflection and see if I can find out what these are and what I can do to live these. So until next time.

Magnet for complications...

I don't know what my problem is. I seem to look for complicated situations. These situations that are bound to lead to heartbreak, expenses, disapointment and all kinds of negative shit. I don't know if that's really complications but the complication is a result. Now I'm falling in love again. I love doing this but there's a limit how hopeless it can look. It's all kinds of barriers that should make me realize the impossibility. She lives far away, she is young and in a phase of life that is the opposite of stability, she is truly an artist in all the senses. But she is a beauty. I'm really lucky, it's been a long time since I was with someone that beautiful and sweet, she is truly precious. I'm going to get my heart broken. That's how life work I guess. It's a continous series of heartbreaks. But I'm not there yet and I won't give up, not as easily like I've done earlier. I'm going to enjoy myself as long as I can.

Disillusion again...

I'm getting this feeling of disillusion again. It pops up once and while. It shows itself with an apathy and a boredome. I don't know what it means and what it comes from. It might be that it comes of sort of a social burn-out. These usually comes after intense periods with a lot of parties or work. I generally tired and a bit hung-over/drunk and maybe even dehydrated from way to much alcohol and too little water. I need to start taking care of myself. Next weekend I won't party on Saturday and I'll stay home on mon-wed, gonna do some reading... I'm gonna cut down on the discos and the late hours in bars. I need to save money and braincells. Money more than the other shit, I don't care about that. But money shit is an annoying fucking thing to have to worry about. I don't like it at all. I didn't think it would continue to be a headache after I got a job but I guess I was a chump. It's always there. I know I'm stupid and can't really spend moderately. I need to figure out a way to keep down my spending and still go out. It'll have to involve cutting down on drinking. That can only be a good thing. I'll do that. Shit I'm tired, I want a vacation. Sorry for babbling a lot of shit but it's your own fault reading this shit from a dumfuck with no clue.

Getting stinged is part of life

I agree with the comment that i should just sit back and let things flow. I've done that and the flow stopped. I'm fine with that, moving on instead of playing with bees that only sting and hurt. I'll go back to bumming around and not commiting. I'm cool with that. I enjoy myself talking to everyone and not worring about pushing things too far with some. How it could've become a leash after a couple of months I don't know nor believe in. But anyway, the leash is off and the rabid dog or the cat in heat (which every metaphor is your prefered) is loose...

But getting stinged is actually the way of life. It's full of bees stining you at their first chance. They all play with you and then hurt you. I'm not only talking about relationships but everything: friends, hopes, ideas and all kinds of intangible stuff. The thing is to not be afraid of getting stinged. I'm too dumb to be afraid so I get stinged a lot but also get to do some stinging and enjoying. Taking chances is the best thing there is. I know, there are more or less dumb chances to take. But I've taken a lot of them. If you believe in chance you shouldn't interpret that I believe in luck. I believe in probablilities and calculated risk taking. Luck is for chumps playing the lottery. It usually equalls false hope. Anyway, I was talking about taking chances of getting stinged. I mean, letting yourself to fall in love is always a chance. But it's great, even when it sucks! You grow either way. Now I'm gonna stop babbling about these things, don't put any value to these ramblings. It's only my way to demonstrate my defence mechanisms, i.e. therapy!

Being a fool or a fooling with a bee?

Ok, I'm back again. Still the same distraught bastard that y'll know. Instead of wondering about whether or not I want to be a bum I'm question my feelings. I'm dating this girl and we've been doing that for a while. I'm treating it exclusivelly and avoid other temptetions. It's been those and I've stayed clear of them as best I could. I've been good. I feel good being with her and want to see more of her. But there's the problem, I'm the one pushing things. When to meet, what to do and all kinds of shit that I feel should be mutual if the feelings are there. That's why I'm unsure how she feels. I know that it could be cultural shit that I don't know how to explain but it's annoying feeling like a love-sick puppy tailing the tail. Fuck, it usually is the other way. I want her to fuckin' take the initiative, and not whilst fucking because that's not the thing. But more in the other shit. Whatev's, I'll keep at it until I get tired and I tell her. Meanwhile I'll enjoy the nice flow and the moment. I'll stop overanalyzing shit I can't find an answer to thinking about, only through talking.

What do you do?

I donno! I don't have a clue. About what you ask. My question is about women. I'm turning something I haven't been in a long time and I don't know what to do. No, it's not about being sober because I'm not. No, it's being in love. Or at least falling. I don't think I'm in love but I know I'm falling and that's a hard realization. It's been a while since the last time. I fall in love all the time but falling more heavily is a rare thing for me. I usually get bored by the women I'm dating instead. When I've gotten to a closeness it's enough for me. OK, it's about knowing that I probably not will feel more with the woman than I do and knowing that I don't want to be together with someone that I've got lukewarm or less feelings for. I see at as being honest. And I've come to realize I don't really want have sex with them anymore neither. Don't get me wrong, screwing is my favorite thing. I'm just such a moral person that I can't fuck someone I'm not in love with... That might be pushing it but I seriously have some issues with this. It feels good in a way. Anyway, what has made me realize that I have feelings for this woman is that I keep turning down beautiful women because of her. It must mean something. And I keep thinking of her and want to be with her. Fuck, I'm such chump. I'll most likely get burned as I usually do when I start feeling things. I should keep being a bastard and just use them as I done earlier. But I really don't want to do this. All I can do is hope she doesn't screw me over and be as happy as a cynical bastard can be. Thank you for listening to my ramblings, next time I'll write about something more valuable than my emotional issues...

I wanna be a BUM!

Hi space,

How are things? I was gonna take up my writting after a busy period. I'm still busy but I'm gonna ignore that and write anyways. I'm getting tired of working. I want to become a bum. I want to do like Jules in Pulp Fiction. Stop the assinations and become a wandering bum. It would be less stressfull and probably equally well-paid. The f****g corporation I'm working for now are severely underpaying me, that's why I'm doing this on working hours. Ok, it's also my job to check out technologies like blogs and see how/if they work to share knowledge. Since I don't have a clue if someone is reading this it's hard to know that. But I don't care, I'm doing the blogging-shit elsewhere aswell. Here it's just for therapy. But getting back in being a bum. I'd really like to quit this and just bum around. Then I could write more, screw more, pick another hobby, work out more, and all kinds of shit that I don't have time for now. Ok, there's always time but the things is that work takes too much energy. I rather put that energy on being a bum and serve myself. If I had any kind of talent or creativity I would follow that. Unfourtunatelly I'm born into mediocracy and with no special capabilities. Ok, any reader can realize that I'm good at wasting time but that ain't shit. Maybe I should be gangster instead. Then I could bum around, kill and rob people once and a while and then go back to bumming. But I'm sure the same stress comes from being a gangster. Watching out for the Poolice, competition and all that shit. But we'll see, maybe I should do a career-switch. I'm gonna look into the possibilties. For the moment I'll search for opportunities to bum around at my job and work hard when someone is looking...